i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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