Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Randomize