I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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