Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
