I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
