today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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