If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
me + whiskey = a bad person
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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