my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
