I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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