closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
