Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
