The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
