so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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