The maid of honor just puked.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
