All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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