i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
