I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
