she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize