I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
