the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
