before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize