You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
