the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
where are my eyebrows?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
