Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
