oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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