Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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