we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
