he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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