all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
this is an emotional support booty call
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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