I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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