I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
