its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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