Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
