bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
