maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
