I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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