So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
