well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
