i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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