And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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