Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
