sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
In America we eat man semen.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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