Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize