But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
