ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He better not be in your backpack
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
