my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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