if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
