Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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