you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
