So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
