it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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