I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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