If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
