I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
