why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize