I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
