I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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