i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
